Warning: this is a very nerdy post.
When I was 12, the childhood of my entire generation was quite literally put on a train and taken to a magical, almost perfect school, probably in the very heart of Scotland: Hogwarts was the wonderland that many of us as kids needed, and I was indeed one of them. Harry Potter, the books, the movies, the videogames, all the chatting about it, or just the mere dream of receiving that amazing letter, is one of the most determining ingredients of the imagination of that moment, and still many of us feel a part of our soul remained in that castle: we really never quite came back.
And you can see if someone is still "at Hogwarts" because they can see the link with the Harry Potter story even in the most unlikely place: for many of us, that story describes our reality as a whole, and aspects of those books are pretty much everywhere.
Guess what?! I am one of them.
So, it should not surprise I see characters in patients, spells as interventions, and ordinary difficulties likely to be described in some defense against the dark arts book. It was this kind of magical lens that made me realize many of the most brilliant, dedicated, and talented people I have known or heard about share something in common with the brightest witch of her age; They are all under a tricky, not-so-pleasant charm: The Imposter Syndrom.
Imposter what?!
The Imposter Syndrom is basically the constant, often unreasonable fear of being involved in amazing, demanding experiences (like a job, or an academic course) without having actually the skills, the ability ad the potential of doing it properly. It is like being invited to the perfect, most selective, and glamour party by mistake and being constantly scared that people will eventually discover that you were never meant to be there, and you will end up being kicked out covered with shame.
There is also the guilty component: we often feel like we are actually, actively stealing that position: we are lying about our abilities, and we are making people think we are that amazing person that deserves to be there (while we are not). Not only we do not feel enough, but we also consider ourselves almost dishonest for trying to stay there (because we love that job/course/experience).
To say that in other (nerdy) words, it is like arriving at Hogwarts and being constantly scared to be a disaster as a student. Such a disaster that they will then understand you are just a muggle, and send you back to Kings Cross (maybe even with no memory of your magic experience, just to make it more fighting).
Guess who may be very well felt like it?!
Hermione is, without doubt, one of the most amazing and talented witches in the whole saga, but does she feel like that?! Is she aware of her value?! Well, let's have a look at it from the very beginning.
Had you guys practiced before arriving at Hogwarts?! Because she did! Yes, that little girl arrives on a magic train with a magic wand and, instead of allowing herself to be confused, scared, or just excited, she already knows A LOT: she can fix broken glasses, recognize a fake starry sky, and quote the entire reading list for the 1st year. What if, in her mind, she was trying to "fill the gap" between having been a muggle girl until that time and, out of the blue, being surrounded by a culture and a system she does not know at all, yet is told she belongs to? What if all the preparatory study was due to the missing feeling of belonging? We occupational therapists often talk about "Doing-Being-Becoming-Belonging" as one of the key aspects of our practice. Well, what if Hermione started doing magic to be a witch and became a good-enough student, all to earn her right to belong to the magic world? It is all about belonging to a place rightfully, and the assumption that that right must be earned somehow. Does Hermione feel she has the right to be at Hogwarts? Do I feel I have the right to study/work/write/create/be there? Do we feel we have the right to be where we are? Often we do not feel we deserve or should be there, as it is just too good for us, we are not good enough for it.
Ouch! Don't you guys read?! Of course, she does, and here is why. Let's start by saying it doesn't matter if she was smoothly sorted in Gryffindor, her belongings safely delivered to her room and her timetable expressly says "Hermione J. Granger". After days, even weeks, Hermione, like many of us under this tricky spell, still is convinced she shouldn't be there! And so, how is it possible that she is there yet?! Oh well, Dumbledore is busy, as well as McGonagall, the Minister of Magic may be late with checks, or maybe there was a mistake in the names of the new students: whatever the reason, it is just a matter of time before they will discover her, and bring her away from the school: a school like no others, one you love from the first very moment, and you really do not want to leave. Similarly, people under the imposter syndrome are quite sure they will not last, they will be discovered and, as a consequence, they try very hard to be flawless in an attempt to delay this frightful event. So what is the strategy? Read, study, and keep up with the highest possible standard, so that they may discover you later...
What if we get killed - or worse, expelled?! yes, she says it. She admits that her worst nightmare is being expelled from Hogwarts (which confirms much of what we have said until now). But, why do students get usually expelled? Guess what? it does not have much to do with academic success, rather is a matter of behavior, rules, and discipline. This explains why Hermione is so reticent when it comes to broke rules. By doing so, she would add a further good reason for her being expelled. And this is quite typical: the constant attention to the details with pretty much no flexibility, the attempt to stick to the "perfect model" and the perception of small, normal mistakes as life-threatening catastrophes. Instead of being Hermione as a student, she is constantly trying to be "The Student", the one that represents the (good) example. And not because she feels she would be actually that good, but because, by sticking to that perfect model, she may have a chance to earn the right to be there.
It does make some sense, doesn't it?! Personally, I have been a victim of Imposter Syndrome since elementary school, and I did feel like Hermione was giving me a voice. It was like "wow! I am not the only one!"
I still feel like it. I spent the first 4 months here at univ convinced that they would come, one day, withdrawing my visa and pulling me away from univ, "cause you were never meant to be there!". It did not happen, but I was convinced it would have happened. Really.
Amazing. How do we get out of it?!
If I had the answer, I would probably have been rich (and free from Imposter Syndrome for good). But I do have a couple of ideas that may help!
There are more important things, like friendship and bravery: Hermione lived a turning point on Halloween when she saw Ron and Harry risking their own lives to save her. She felt they cared, and there was a place between those people she could really belong to. There, she even declared she was the one that broke the roles (McGonagall is still recovering from that shock) just to cover them. Friendship and meaningful relationships are occasions to see ourselves through someone else eyes and become aware of our own value putting our judgment into perspective. From that moment, Hermione belonged to that trio, and even if she still remained quite geeky, finding true friends in Harry and Ron definitely had a good (or bad) influence on her...
Give up the "woolly discipline": 3rd year, we see Hermione giving up something she doesn't like (Divination). Yes, she allows herself to choose and, rather than being the perfect student all the time with every professor, she just says "no" to something she does not like. Saying no is a particularly tough skill for people under the Imposter Syndrom (as it would cross with all the attempts to disguise and be worthy to be there) but it really gives us the chance to see that, even if we are not perfect, even if we say "no", we are still there. It is an act of courage and feels like a massive mistake at the very beginning. But then, that moment will remember us that we are still there, no matter what. If we were going to be expelled, there were plenty of occasions. Maybe, we are just meant to be there...
Don't be riddikulus! It does sound like living with a boggart in front of us all the time, right? It is quite scary and consuming. Yet, being aware that the Imposter Syndrom makes us think poorly of ourselves even if we are not that bad is really the key: the boggart lies, the Imposter Syndrom too. Ah, just to say, the Imposter Syndrom seems to be highly common in bright, talented, dedicated people. Not exactly the poor, unworthy imposter we think we are...!
The happy ending we deserve
Well, if we have something in common with that genius of Hermione Granger, it should keep our little imposter on mute mode for a while, right? Hermione did great, she saved the magic (and muggle) world and was never, ever actually expelled.
She did it, and so we will.
References
Young, V. (2012) The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It. Three Rivers Pr.
Tracy, R. and Robins, J. (2007) Self-conscious emotions: where self and emotion meet, in C. Sedikides and S. Spencer (eds) The Self. New York: Psychology Press.
Wilcock, A. A. (1998) Reflections on Doing, Being and Becoming. Canadian journal of occupational therapy (1939). [Online] 65 (5), 248–256.
Winnicott, D. W. (Donald W. (2005) Playing and reality. [New ed.] / with a new preface by F. Robert Rodman. London: Routledge.
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